Am I selfish…?

Am I selfish? And what if I were, really?Am I selfish for wanting to be happy?
Am I selfish for knowing what my worth is?
Even… Am I selfish for not wanting a baby?

We’ve all heard these questions, and variations thereof. And, maybe not surprisingly, I see a strong connection between these types of questions, and having low confidence and self-esteem.

But very well, then. AM I selfish for, say, spending more time, money and energy on myself than on anyone else?

Well, probably. But people tend to forget this one neat little counterpoint…:
Am I selfish? And what if I were?
The problem with the word ‘selfish’ — and, for that matter, the word ‘egotistical’ — is that it’s gotten a bad rep over time. When someone accuses someone else of being selfish, it’s necessarily implied that that person is being TOO selfish.

But… Too selfish for WHAT, exactly? Measured by exactly whose standards?

People rarely, if ever, elaborate on an accusation of selfishness. As if first and foremost tending to one’s own was a bad thing in and by itself.

But there’s good news: It’s not.

Sure, I might be wrong, but my general impression is, those who try to make others feel guilty about allegedly being ‘selfish’ tend to be the ones who don’t allow themselves to have very many joys in life.

Like I’ve talked about before, there’s nothing inherently wrong with allowing yourself to have cool things and experiences. For all we know, we only live once. So if I were you, I’d see to it that I start living it up instead of just getting by.

Yes, there are millions of innocent people suffering worldwide. And the idea that everyone should do their part in raising the lower bar is kind and beautiful, no doubt.

But is it realistic? Is it easily doable? Is it even specific?

Now don’t get me wrong here. Of course, ideally, everyone SHOULD definitely do whatever they can for those in dire need. And if you do, more power to ya.

But if you spend more time, money and energy on anything but your own goal in life, I’d personally say you were doing it wrong. (Unless, of course, that’s your goal in life.)

And, see, that’s another thing. What you do for yourself isn’t necessarily extravagance and gratuitous first-world luxury. It might even be small investments in becoming the person you genuinely want to be.

But everyone are unique and perfect just the way they are!” Yeah, unless, you know, they’re not. And the day you stop developing, you start withering.


Am I selfish for wanting to be like Lemmy?
Unless, of course, you simply reach max level. But really, don’t count on that.

By improving myself, I continually get better at improving the world and the people around me. If I didn’t continually spend time, money and energy educating myself on coaching, what kind of a coach would I be??

But of course, it goes way beyond my work. The reason I’m in the self-development industry in the first place is because I’ve been working with self-development on a personal level for years.

And when someone spends years refining the gentle arts of, say, goal-setting, daily reading, mental focus, physical health, time management, inner peace and calm, and prioritizing the most important daily tasks, do they tend to naturally improve the world around them?

Yeah, I thought so.

Now, you might CALL all of this ‘selfishness’. And you might even THINK that there’s something inherently wrong with improving upon oneself. But there isn’t, really. It’d only be you making a judgment.

The whole idea that you wouldn’t improve upon yourself for fear of what others might think is nothing more than a bad excuse for covering up self-sabotage. Because there ARE only excuses for not allowing oneself to grow into one’s inner ideals, however selfish others might judge them to be.

Let’s evolve!

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“The one word you need in order to succeed”

In order to succeed, don't just say 'yes' or 'no'. Say both, to the right things, respectively.Yeah, notice how there’s a lot of these kinds of headlines out there? “The one word you need in order to succeed”. “Learn this one word and it’ll change your life forever”.

To spare you the time and effort, I’ve hereby decided to write, well, the one article you’ll ever need to read about this topic.

(… In order to succeed? You be in charge of that.)

You see, in my years of studying confidence and self-development I’ve read several articles like that. And while some of them do contain important truths, I have a problem with the entire premise. Because…


This one word they talk about is always either ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

The idea, then, is that if you just say ‘yes’ — or ‘no’ — to whatever comes your way, things’ll start looking up for you.

You can probably see where I’m going with this. Because…

How on Earth would you possibly live like that??

And it’s not like I don’t get it. I KNOW you’re not supposed to take it that literally.

But what these articles fail to address is the crucial distinction between what one either accepts or rejects .

If you say ‘no’ to everything you’re not gonna have much going for you. But if you say ‘yes’ to everything you’re gonna burn out from stress within a week.

What’s really important is WHEN to say either ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

For the sake of argument, let’s distinguish between a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’ mentality. Both can be attributed to non-fidence in their respective ways.

A ‘yes’ mentality in that non-fidents are often people pleasers who will seek to avoid causing conflict and rejection by over-agreeing, over-accepting, and taking on too many burdens of their peers.

A ‘no’ mentality in that negativity is closely related to non-fidence. If you look at yourself negatively, you probably don’t have a very positive outlook altogether. And to protect themselves, non-fidents tend to be rejective towards new ideas that might challenge their comfort zone.

In order to succeed, then, we gotta figure out the right things to either accept or reject.

To better ourselves, we need to teach our ‘yes’ mentality that sometimes it’s okay to disagree, reject non-supportive ideas, and acknowledge that we’re not able to solve everyone’s problems.

And, conversely, we need to teach our ‘no’ mentality that we’ll go nowhere by not allowing ourselves to, that new ideas fuel our growth, and that meaningful change happens outside our comfort zone.

It takes years practicing this distinction. Hell, I’m still working on it. But it gets easier.

Just don’t ever think you’ll do yourself any good by resorting to leading a one-track mentality.


Write two lists of five to ten things.

One, a ‘yes’-list — of things towards which you probably need to be more open and accepting. And, well, in order to succeed in some areas.

The other, a ‘no’-list — of things which you probably need to cut down on, or maybe remove from your life entirely.

These things might be actions, habits, ideas, people, food, gadgets… Whichever might be either obviously beneficial or detrimental to you.

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